MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
September 26, 2008
| So much is too much. | Views: 770 |
I decided that chemo was not working and my oncologist agreed with me. It only made me sick.
I now am in hospice care and I’m trying to keep my head up thinking only of life and not of death.
The tumor is growing rapidly; I feel it.
I’m disappointed, I was asked what I wanted to do if I could and I wanted to say “Live till I’m 80” but that is not a wish anyone but God can grant. I was such the dreamer when I was little. The typical little girl who just wanted to grow up to get married and have a family. As time chips on everything seems so un-plausable. First it was “Okay, I’m missing one ovary, no big deal.” Second “Maybe I shouldn’t have children if I have this gene, adoption is an something I embraced.” Now I just feel getting through the rest of the week is going to end up being a wonder in itself.
It makes me wish there was a deterrent I can sprinkle around myself hoping that everyone will forget me and stop loving me so much.
I only see a miracle saving me because I feel there is not one person on this entire earth who can cure what I have.
I also apologize for not posting in a while. I just needed to gear myself up to pour our these thoughts.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Gemma! Gemma! This is so heartbreaking. I have tears streaming down my face. I wish I could take that tumor from you and kick it out of here. or take a part of it and fight it with you. I am going to be fighting that damn tumor mentally for you everyday. We will never forget you and never stop loving you! Embrace everyones love and let that love make you stronger and never feel guilty about it.
Dear Gemma,
Well, my wish for you is that you are able to fully enjoy every single day of your life. My heart breaks to hear you so disappointed. Not to disappoint you further, but no one who has gotten to know you here is able to forget you and we can’t stop loving you. I’ll be sending love and healing energy out to you every day. Peace and blessings to you, dear one.
I applaud your courage! You have made decisions well beyond your years and in so doing have shown all of us wisdom and bravery that will always be remembered.
Someitmes it seems odd to care so very much about people I don’t “know” but I must admit I am heartbroken along side everyone else who has come to love you.
I will pray for your miracle everyday. Put your trust in Jesus for He is able.
If you find a vanishing powder please do not use it. I would be a poorer soul had I not met you, and having you vansih would not impact how much everyone here and there cares for you. Think positive thoughts and rest.
Hugz
Mac
Dear Gemma; How strange. I was writing you on your last post when in popped a new one from you. That I was thinking of you when you were writing such a note is kind of a kismet but not the news I was anticipating at all. Are you doing hospice at home or outside of home? Could you tell me your surroundings and how you are finding the care? I am so wanting to give you a hug and say it will be alright, you will be in God’s hands and all the other religous stuff that isn’t going to change anything. I guess you can tell I am not a religious person but I do believe in reincarnation. I had a dream the other night of a little boy about 4 years old, with dark hair and crystal blue eyes, stretching his arms out to me. I kept asking the people around me “where are his parents and what is the boy’s name. Noone responded. At that moment upon waking I realized it was my Father. He is living and breathing in a different time zone. He would be in real life now, 89 years old. It occured to me that we do go on, our soul carries on and our lives are not lived in vain. Of all the people I have met on this blog you are the wisest, most cherished and talented writer I have ever encountered. I look for your posts, I can’t wait to read them. I hope you will, if you feel up to it, write, write as much as you can to us and to your personal diary. I have learned so much from you and I do go back and reread what you have posted. It makes things clearer. You know how loved you are at the Blog and that just shows you how important you have been to us. I am hurting to hear your news and at this time of course, there isn’t any way to say anything that would change the facts. I will leave the writings of others to implant their faith your way. I do hope that the drugs you are receiving are alleviating any pain. That is important! If not scream for some because there is no reason that you should have to go through that as well. My dear Gemma, I am just having a really hard time here so I will sign off for now. Loving you has been a privledge.
Weezie
Gemma,
You are in my thoughts every day. In fact, there were 6 of us praying for you just this morning. The same ones that prayed over the prayer shawl you received this week. We pray that as you wrap up in it you will feel Jesus’ arms surrounding you and keeping you. We pray that love, peace and joy fills you, your Mom, your sister and your home! His joy is your strength! You are a dear precious daughter of God Almighty. I know that He is going to fill your nights with dreams and your days visions from Him. He has tucked you away in the safety of His wing. Rest in Him. God is bigger than the tumor! Through Him ALL things are possible and there is nothing impossible for Him!
Love you,
Darcie
Oh Gemma, You are in my thoughts daily. I am not very good at expressing myself but you are loved by so many people and have touched so many. My 12 year old asks daily have you posted anything. You are on the prayer list in her religion class at school. You are such a beautiful person. I am sending you a hug and pray that you are able to be kept comfortable.
All my love, Kellye
My dear gemma,, it hurts all of us to see you in this situation… our hearts are now heavy and yet you said that you believe that there is no one on this earth that is able to cure ,, and maybe you are right,,, Funny how God closes a door but leaves a window open,, and maybe it is time to turn totally to Him for that miracle.. We here shall continue to pray to God for your healing of this dreaded desease,, but you must remember that He is the healer and anything and everything can be done by Him.. So put your faith totally in Him while your friends here pray up a storm for you … We all know of your suffering and how it affects your life on this beautiful earth,, yet,, i ask you to give it all over to Him and let Him to what is necessary..
And so I ask all the people who reads this to come with me as one in seeking God and to receive His physical and emotional and spiritual healing
within you …. God bless,, my dear sweet girl but never, i say never give up hope .. let us pray in unity of one
Gemma,
I don’t think I have written you before, but I am here now. I will pray for you every night. I know your body is stronger then this stupid cansor. I have read your past blogs. You are so strong. I am here. I am here.
Love Kathleen
My dear Gemma, It is so good to hear from you but my heart is breaking. I wish it was in my power to trade places with you right now. You are such a special young lady and nothing you or anyone could do would stop me from loving you or make me EVER forget you.
I will be praying for that miracle you need.
Love and many hugs,
Joyce In NC
Gemma,
Last night I went to the highest place in my house which is a deck outside my bedroom. It was a clear night and I prayed harder then ever for your miracle. With tears in my eyes I asked that this beautiful girl be restored to perfect health. I believe in miracles. You are so loved here.
Kathleen
Your thoughts are precious…as I read them I envisioned you in a “cave” on a precipice, with lightning and storms raging all around. As I stepped back, I saw the “cave” was not a cave but the Hands of God protecting you in the storm. As you walk closer and closer to Him, it’s as if you melt into Him and His awesomeness consumes the negatives~ like walking close to a friend who’s wearing a beautifully potent perfume~ when you’re next to her you only smell the sweet scent, not any bad odors.I ask God to let His presence be very real to you and give you encouragement to know your life is truly in His very capable, loving hands.He said in His word that He doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of peace and love and a sound mind. We just don’t always (many times!)understand His much bigger plans~ He’s still there for us, though!
Gemma,
You are one strong, courageous, brave, and beautiful young lady. I admire you. I am here, we are all here, praying for you.
Big Hugs,
Yuyu
Gemma,I support your choice to stop chemo. Sometimes you just have to let your body rest. I don’t know why you would want people to forget you———you have made a difference in so many lives. I just looked at your stats and it says over 14,000 people have read your posts. Like so many others, I have enjoyed hearing about your family, friends and puppies because your ‘voice’ is rich, cheerful, young and energetic. I am not a praying person, but my thoughts are with you every day wherever you are. Take care.
My dear friend,
You are never far from my thoughts. I am blessed to know you. I will continue my prayers along with the others, and pray for a miracle. But I must say that you have been a miracle. You have given hope and insipration to so many, including me. I wish I could hug you and hold you. I wish that all of this pain and suffering would go away. You say that you want everyone to forget you, but that won’t happen. Let the love that we all have for you surround and carry you at this time. Know that you are special and that you matter to so many. Please keep us posted if you can.
XOXOLisa
Hi Gemma,
My wish for you is just enjoy each day while your around and believe and trust to our almighty god that miracles happen to you. I will be one of your prayer warrior and visualize that you are healthy and always put a big smile in your face and keep on writing us and we’re here to support and listen to you. How I wish I could give you a hug at this time. You really inspire us so much for being so strong . We love you, Gem.
Dear Sweet Gemma,
You are so loved by so many. That is a good thing for all of us. You are an amazing young woman. So many of us have been asking each other if anyone had heard from you, because we all care so much. We have grown to know you, and your love for little Theodore, over these months. If we have grown to care for you so much, and yet have not met you, I imagine those who share their lives with you are deeply attached to you. They are lucky as you have enriched their lives. Let them continue to love you. It is the most wonderful gift you can give to them. We are all praying for that miracle for you. Know that there is strength in numbers, and you have quite a large group of supporters. Much love Gemma,
Gaile and your “Cancer Sucks” team
Gemma
I just found your blog yesterday. It took me a little while to collect my thoughts. I’m an almost 3 year ovarian cancer survivor… stage 3c. I’ve been on chemo ever since my diagnosis… we can’t seem to get rid of the tumors, but their stable.
I’m so sorry that your tumors came back agressive. While I like hospice, they are a wonderful organization, I’m sorry that that is your only option. At 20 and having only a stage one diagnosis 2 years ago you should be fulfilling your wishes, instead you are faced with making new ones… my wish for you is peace, calm and clarity. Why, I really don’t know – those are the thoughts that popped into my head. The peace is for knowing your loving relationships with family and friends, and whatever you have as a religion. Calm is for knowing that things happen, we may not know why at first, but your soul can be calm with it. My nature is to fight, fight to the death, but sometimes the fight is taken away from us and that is life too.
And finally clarity, clarity in your wish – which may be for your family and friends and how to help them help you. Sometimes people don’t know what to do in these situations, tell them, let them do something, it will help them so much.
one more thing there is an online support group for ovarian cancer survivors on Cancercare.org. You could call them and they not only have the support group, but also have social workers you can talk to.
prayers and hugs to you
‘LOVE COMING YOUR WAY”
Sherri
I find myself speechless…all the words in my heart have been spoken by so many others here. You have been such an inspiration to me…your courage…such a wise “old soul” in such a young beautiful woman. I wish you peace on your journey to a better place…and you will always be loved.
Celeni
Gemma – I am thinking of you today and wondering how you are doing. Sending you lots of love!
Dear Gemma, I have been reading your blog for some time but never wrote to you. I just couldn’t find the words to say. You have written so beautifully, with so much wit and charm. You have touched my heart. I have ovarian cancer ayou often during the day. You have my admiration and lso but I am so much older than you. It is so unfair that you have had to go through this at such a tender age. I find myself thinking about my love. Joan
Dear Gemma—I am sorry that my post got all mixed up. Here is how it supposed to read:
...I have ovarian cancer also but I am so much older than you. It is so unfair that you have had to go through all this at such a tender age.I find myself thinking of you often during the day and wondering how you are. You have my admiration and my love. Joan
Hi Gemma,
Have you thought about a second opinion and maybe a third. You are so young and your cancer was not a Stage 4. Can’t they operate on the growing tumor? I don’t understand why that is not an option. Is there another type of chemotherapy you can take? I do not understand why your doctor gave up? Maybe you should fire the doctor and get another doctor. I’ve had to do that before.
I am talking to God about you and asking for your total healing and I have others praying for you and people on this Blog are praying. Miracles do happen—keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll get the miracle of life you want.
Love, prayers and hugs to ya.
sweete2
My email is grandsktn1@yahoo. com