MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
August 22, 2008
| Before I head on vacation | Views: 482 |
I visited the doctors the other day. Wednesday I believe? Life just kind of blends together in a messy goop after a while.
My Oncologist came in, I was dreading seeing him. It wasn’t that bad, there was something about him, he seemed so sad. Needless to say that says something to me. Maybe it was because he was there and I was on his mind or maybe he delivered bad news to someone before me. Either way I felt pity on him and tried my hardest to smile. I skipped chemo for the second week and he said it was okay and went on about “the quality of life”.
Some days, I wake up just waiting to go to sleep just to wake up again. The quality of my life some days is about a 1 on a scale of 1-10. Lately I’ve been thinking that I’d be okay if I went in my sleep. I’m really at peace with the idea. Don’t think it as a depressing thought, it’s actually a comfortable breakthrough. I’m not giving up, I can’t because I as a person mean a lot to a whole bunch of people; which is a blessing and sometimes a burden. I know what a horrible thing to say.
I’ve just been so ridiculously FRUSTRATED because I cannot attend a regular college while having to hold a job, go to classes and do well then find time to get the treatments that will burn me out. I crave living in a dorm again and hopefully this time I’ll have enough guts to make more then 2 new friends.
I realized when I went to go see fireworks in downtown Pittsburgh over one of the rivers. That it will be very hard from me to make friends from now on. Not that this cancer defines me as a whole, but it’s shaped me in almost every possible way. I don’t feel like myself, I feel all pent up when I can’t tell someone. And I’m pretty sure it’s not appropriate to say “Hi, my name is Gemma and I’m living with cancer. What’s your name?” This disease makes socializing all the more scary.
9pm tonight my aunt and grandmother are going to be picking me up and we’ll be driving down to NC, near Kitty Hawk. Just to catch the last bit of the beach life before it turns to morning frosts and slippy leaves to break your bottom on. For the next 8 days I’ll have something to look forward to and it will allow me to feel like a person for that amount of time. Things like this; where love is delivered in loads always make me feel like the old Gemma.
I’ll be away from my little Theodore; a winter hoodie I bought for him. Just to see what he looks like. :)
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Gemma,
I want to apologize for failing to comment before. I have read every word you have written and looked forward to each of your post. I have 4 little girls and even though you are a young lady, I could only think of you as if you were my own daughter. I know that our cancers are very different, but your words just hit to close to home. Anyway I will do my best to comment on each of you post in the future. You are very wise for your age. I will no longer be afraid to support you in the future.
I hope you have a wonderful trip. I know it must be hard, but please try and live every moment. I am also a bit of an introvert, but if this experience can teach us anything it is that we are strong and we matter. So go out there with your chin up, and say I am Gemma how do you do!
Cheers,
EyeCandy (Paul)
Have a nice day!
My dear Gemma; You have spoken in words that bely your age. It is wisdom that you have been blessed with and a gift to express your feelings so thoughtfully. How can we not know you? I think the idea of friends is right here in your own backyard (As Dorothy said in Wizard of Oz). I almost cried when you told the story of the Oncologist. I thought I was reading a novel by a first rated author. You have empathy and a clear understanding of others. How joyous it would be, to be you for that one moment. Thank you for setting the pace so high and helping us realize how lucky it is to just be here, alive with feelings, not frozen and devoid of emotion. You point out the pitfalls of cancer and how it makes you feel. That is very hard for most of us to do and especially being so young it makes us feel immature, as if we need to catch up to you. Bless you Gemma. May your trip be full of new and exciting adventures. Waiting for your next explosion of words. And more outfits for the dog. Weezie.
Have a great trip. Do what you can and what you want so you enjoy yourself.
When you get back to school you will be able to make friends. you will have an insight that most never have and a wisdom that has already given you empathy and kindness that will win over the folks you meet.
As for “accepting” that you may go in your sleep. Let this be a liberation. You no longer are living to live forever. You have crossed the bridge to that place of understanding, live is to be lived not endured. You know how precious this gift of life is and now that you are not dreading it’s end you can fully live every breath.
write your book, smell all the roses, love and live. Play with your dog and smile as you give change to the homeless. Do everything, as if it is, both he first and the last time. That way you never take anything for granted and you have no regrets.
You are a wonder and a Gem. Have fun.
Hugs and prayers
Mac
Dear Gemma,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I love the way you express yourself. Thank you for sharing your blog site with me. You are an inspiration.
I pray you have a very blessed time in NC. You know, Zac lived in Havelock for most of the first 3 yrs of his life. It’s beautiful there. I know you’ll have a great time.
Whenever I go to the beach, i love to take time to meditate on the vastness of the sand, the sea and the sky. It overwhelms me. I think that’s why I love the beach so much. To think of the sum of all of creation and a loving Creator who made it all so glorious.
I now have a precious two year old memory of the beach…it’s when Zac told me of you…and you know how much he doesn’t like the sand! :)
Okay, one last reason I love the beach,(and this is so I can hear your laugh), it makes my butt look smaller!
Love ya Gem,
Darcie
Hi Gemma,
I assure you I will always be here to comment on every blog you post. . You’re such a strong person knowing that you are very young to get this deadly disease I really admire you a lot and an inspiration to all! Enjoy your trip and always think of happy memories with your family and firends and always count all of us here as your friends who will always support you!
Could Theodore get any cuter…..... He is really adorable. Have a great time on your vacation, forget about everything back home and enjoy every minute.