gemmag's Cancer Blog

August 8, 2008

I was thinking. Views: 344

I’ve become or started to become the person I always wanted to be. In a nutshell;

1. A person with a deep intelligent and sympathetic mind. Wise.
2. Quirky, it’s one of my favorite words and no one can honestly hate a quirky young girl.
3. Unique. Not the everyday run of the mill “I’m unique because everyone is different.” More of a “I’m unique x 1,000 among the people I know.” I won’t take all the credit for my strength but I have been blessed with more then the average kid. My upsetting and disturbing past shaped me for the better. Who would have thought.

It’s been a week, she said 7-10 days. Within the next three days my mind can hopefully rest easy knowing there is something that can help me.

I am anticipating Zac visiting me at the end of October. It just upsets me that his job holds him back from doing a lot since he has new car payments to make. It upsets me more because I’m held back indefinitely out of fear of skipping 2 weeks of chemo. It’s never a good idea.

Last night I experienced such pain. My emotions got the best of me, I’ve been sobbing nightly for no single defined reason. I feel as if I’m in this box of torture and confinement forever; like I will have to be on chemo for the rest of my life. The threshold of hurt has been burst through that I was so upset the emotional pain I was feeling was almost tangible. It was the most interesting experience. I am a person who’s very in tune with herself and was surprised that there is no limit on hurt. I never want to have that happen again.

God, I talk to him a lot and I believe he’s listening but I do not always feel taken care of and I’m quite lost at time on how to take another step forward to make my belief more solid. If only there was a step-by-step guide out there.

Anyways, I’m tired. Theodore had to go to the vets today with his big brother Joey and a huge dog + little fast dog tends to wear one out.

As always thanks for the comments. They really help. As a side note to Mac. I love reading your posts they are always so insightful and touching, not to mention a bit funny at times. We are not alone in this exhausting trial; many others are suffering just as much.

Posted on August 8, 2008 at 8:01:04 PM by Gemma ( Link to this post.

I was thinking., Post a comment.

2 comments)

Hi Gemma, as i read your blog, i noticed quite a few things about you that make you a special person. Different, for a start is true,, you most certaily are a unique person, and i am glad to see the you are not taking all the credit for it,,first it is God’s will what your life will be but then on the other hand it is for you to accept that change in your life so that you may know the wisdom of such a wonderful think.. yes sometimes it is best not to have had cancer but on the other hand what would you have learned and how would your faith have grown, to make you that better person.. Yes it is true that you have suffered alot and probably still are but the change in you has made you that better person that everyone can see and appreciate YOU for who you are. It is to bad that your chemo has been cancelled for 2 weeks, but look at it in this respect.. you needed to build up your strength againg so that you will be to continue on so that by God’s grace and your wisdom you will be able to defeat this sickness.. I have also been noticing how your positiveness has increase over the past few months and that in itself will continue to make YOU that better person.. As for the time that you experience so much pain and your emotions got the best the rest of you, that’s ok,, remind yourself that you are still a human being and crying sometimes is the greatest release for all of what is goin on… It is not an easy thing and i wish that i could releive some of that pain at frustration from you, but do not forget this that God does NOT give you more than you can handle, even if the seem to at time I can guarantee you that He does’nt.. If he figured that you could not handle this them i am sure that at some point it would have stopped.. so let us go back to you and your UNIQUENESS.. YOU are a unique person, a very special not only in the eyes of God but also throught your family, and don’t forget how Zac truly feels about you and what you are going through.. One thing you must remember is that Zac cannot understand what you are going through,, oh yes he can see the pain and so on, but unless one has been though the same thing other cannot and do not know what you are truly going through unless they themselves also has been through it themselves.
I know that with me cancer my wife worries about me and for me but yet she does not truly understand what suffering and so on that i have and am going through, yet the love that she has for me far surpassed anything that she will ever be able to understand ( and thank God for that)
One thing that i do know for sure is the love that she has for me.. If i am in a bad mood or whatever i never hear her complaining.. so i look at her as my gift from God.
I know what this fight is like and i know just how it makes us tired, but fight is what we have and fight is what we need to continue,,
I do not know how you deal with it has we all deal with it in our own way but one of the great gifts that i was given was the gift of truly knowing what Jesus suffered for each one of us and if we compare our suffering with HIS I always find that i pain goes away to the point where it does not bother me anmore, because i have realized the torture that Jesus has suffered.. If you go through your mind what suffering He suffered i believe that you will also find that the pain that you go through is so much less than He suffered that it will help to aliveate your suffering..
We will keep you in my prayers, and aks God to give you the grace and the strength to go through this in thankfulness…
All of this is happening for a reason,, and for me i have found that it has made me a much happier person, for i am always smiling and it has also made me realize that there are people out there with things much worst than what i have but the most important thing for me is that God has given me the ability to help out others who have cancer,, and that is the greatest gift of all.
So i hope that i have helped you even in the smallest way and that you accept it and continue to live your life according to God’s will .
God bless you girl and thank you ever so much for this opportunity to speak to you ..
Let comfort be your guide, hope be your strength and happiness be thing that people will see in you the most.
Take care and if we can help in anyway, please do not hesitate to contact us
Your friend and supporter Ray of Rayoflights7

Posted on August 9, 2008 at 12:58:40 PM by rayoflights7

When I was two, my mom dropped me off at an orphanage and walked away. I have never heard from her. For years I wondered, if God has this “plan and purpose”, why don’t I get a mom. Then my wife and I took in our first foster child, who’s mother had abandoned him, and I finally understood. I had empathy I had earned.

I will not attempt to justify or explain God’s plan. I only offer this advise, if you want your faith to become solid and you want more understanding, look in Bible. You will find many of the most famous believers had moments of doubt and belief.

You are, as I have said before, a remarkable young lady. You have insight and wisdom and a honest manner about you. While you continue your fight, you lesson some of it’s agony by sharing yourself here and other places. You inspire people who see you living and overcoming.

We are all waiting with you. The doctor in Boston will call and I pray we will all celebrate your news.

Hope the pup survived the vet, I don’t like the vet personally, the bisquits are always stale…

Higz
Mac