MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
August 4, 2008
| Looking so old | Views: 424 |
For some reason today I have been washed over completely with worry.
As I sit here by the computer I see my reflection in one of the bay windows in front of me. I look so old, tried and sad. I can’t picture what I will look like if I hit 30. It’s depressing.
Someone mentioned the “Make A Wish” foundation thing. I’m too old for it and would never take a spot that would go to a younger child who’s wants are so much more simple. But it did raise the question. What would I wish for? The only thing I really really want is to grow up and I want to get married and be a mother to two orphans from wherever in the world.
I just want to grow up.
Zac told me he doesn’t believe that I am meant to go at a young age and I hope he’s right. It’s hard, chemotherapy is suddenly getting more emotionally taxing.
Waiting for the oncologist to call from Boston is driving me into the ground ever so slowly.
I just want a cure all and I want to wake up one day and not feel that lump and not have to think about cancer for a few hours.
It stinks that I’m feeling this fear and I’m feeling weak when right now I need to buck up and be my strongest. It’s only been 2 years, there has to be a lot more left in me.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
“I just want a cure all”. Such a simple request. On one hand your post brought me to tears. That you have had to endure so much that you just feel old. On the other hand it made me very happy.
Your post made allowed me the solice of knowing that I am not alone, that someone else feels overwhelmed and tired, and just plain worn out.
You have brought joy to my heart and I pray I can return the gift. Be of good chear my young friend, one day we will look back on this time and laugh. You will dance with your children and sing songs of thankgiving and they will know that the strength you are handing down to them was earned, not given.
Pet your puppy and smile
Hugz
Mac
Trust gemma,, you are to young to past on but instead i see it as a time for you to turn your problem over to God and trust that He will take care of it … i know it is difficult but i believe that there truly comes a time in each person’s life to realize that they cannot do anything about the sickness that they have.. and so you must believe that there is a higher power that can do anything and everything.. this time of trial for you is one so that you may become stronger in life,, to have a positiveness that will overcome that sickness.. It has been since jan of 2006 for me and i have never had this much faith in my life.. but the thing that i realize just after i found out that i had cancer is to ACCEPT whatever came apon me and accept the fact that if it is my time to die then let your will be done.. in doing so i became a person at peace with myself and with my cancer and accepted whatever will be will be… Thats does’nt mean that i stop fighting but instead it was time for me to quit thinking of myself and start thinking of others and put other people needs before my own
I don’t know if you understand what i am trying to share with you, but i hope that you do and if you don’t then let me know and i will try to explain in better.
So have a wonderful day and smile, laugh and cry, all three are necessary in life but come out of it with a better attitude towards it.. and convince yourself that you shall live to be an old lady with lots of children around you.
God speed and bless you in very special way and trust in HIM who can do all things
Your very good friend Ray
Oh, beautiful Gemma. Don’t feel bad about your appearance right now——you’re fighting cancer! At the lowest point (so far) of my journey, I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror either. Feeling so bad from the cancer can’t last forever and soon you will be looking and feeling better. I will keep thinking of you and supporting you as you wait for Boston’s call. Remember, waiting for the next treatment phase is always emotionally draining. Hang tough!
Your story has touched my heart. I just happened to find this site by google. I am 27, soon to be 28, going through testing and awaiting the results of my paracentisis (which is agonizing in itself). I have Endo stage 4 and the thought of the possibility of ovarian cancer is scarying me. My Ca levels were elevated, my cyst shows a complex, septated cyst containging serous and muscuous components. What kind of ca were you dx with? Your story shows you have handled this beautifully and strongly…I wish you continued success and fight against your battle….