gemmag's Cancer Blog

July 14, 2008

Now that I am gathered into a half. Views: 276

I have been exchanging emails with everyone, many people I only know their names and nothing about them. I am going to post my replies to various emails because it’s what I’m feeling and it fits it all to almost a T. I will not post their replies for the sake of being courteous; I’m sure you understand.

This one was me contacting a person by request from him getting his email through a good friend of mine.

It came to a surprise that Matthew called me today with your email. I remember you, though I haven’t ever held even a brief conversation I felt a little ray of happiness when I heard this stranger was concerned. You have a good heart.

I have a hundred or more people behind me in this dark ordeal and I have three hundred more whom I don’t know at all and yet they are there too.

I don’t intend on giving up but after having this disease for 2 years, I have never faced such hurdles like this before. The idea of death doesn’t frighten me much but more-so disappoints. I cannot think of a more ideal heaven then the one here that I’m living in now despite my illness and all of the wars. I am not ready to go and I don’t think God will allow fate to take me until I feel ready and I hope this is the case.

If I were alone it would be easier and yet so much harder if you understand what I mean. I feel like I’m stabbing all of the people whom I love and they love me straight in the heart. I don’t want them to hurt for me because it just makes me feel worse; but what other reaction can someone like my sister, mother, or boyfriend initially give?

I am open minded so reply with what you want. I won’t easily be offended by personal views certainly not if the idea of “help” is being proposed.

Nice to meet you Michael. I love animals too. 3 cats (Timmy, Sandy, Clohe) and 1 dog (Joey) so far. I’m hoping to pick up a small mutt from the Human Society before I have to leave for Boston to be a patient at the Dana Farber Inst. You know just for some extra company.

/sigh
“I want the medical establishment to get off their
back-sides and find cures, make them available and quit milking
everyone for fatter profit margins.”

The sad thing is. You KNOW there is a cure for cancer out there. But it’s kept a secret because there is no money in the cure. And it’s such an aggravating ordeal.

I have moved out of the depression slump only to meet the “I want to punch my Oncologist in his head really freakin hard” stage. I have been so angry lately because it sounds as if he’s giving up on me and doesn’t know what he’s blabbering about.

I feel the lump in my side and it’s hard to keep faith when it’s there nudging at me every time I breath. I’m trying, I don’t want to let anyone down. I hope that the Lord will not take me while I’m unwilling. The stories of people dying I hear in most cases they are ready to go.

I’m to this day confused why I have been chosen to be thrown these mountains. I have always been a good natured girl who rarely had anything unjustly hurtful to deal with. I have proved that I am strong but this test which I hope is the hardest one I’ll ever have to overcome is wearing me out more then I could ever imagine.

I’ll be updating my blog soon once I have time to gather my thoughts so it won’t be a big potty mouth post :).

Until later,
Gemma

A short email in which I will include the senders part.

Hi Gemma. I wanted to tell you how nice it was to have you in our home last week. Zac and his family have talked with us about your condition. We are praying for you every day. We speak life into your body. We look forward to seeing you again soon. Pastor Kenny

First of all I’d like to say thank you. I have people all over the United States praying for me and it truly is the one comfort that has not failed me.

Zachary and his family are supportive and poor Zac deserves 3 million and 5 purple hearts for not running away like I’ve wanted to so many times. He is a good man and I’d like to believe that he is my “tangible guardian angel” being one of the select few whom have become my rocks.

You will all be in my prayers especially during the missions trip. I’m sad I cannot attend but Zac promised me a picture of a bush baby so I think I can cope with just that.

Thank you again for having me in your home you are truly kind people.

<3 Gem

I will update with news and information on where I’m going among other things tomorrow night. I’m a bit drained and should be going to sleep.

I love you all very much, thank you once again for being my little rays of light.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 9:11:06 PM by Gemma ( Link to this post.

Now that I am gathered into a half., Post a comment.

4 comments)

Dear Gemma; You are truely a unique young lady who has shown us all courage, strength, determination, anger when needed and most of all you speak from your heart. This battle we are facing is one of god’s tests that I am sure you agree, is one which we didn’t ask for…. I am in full agreement about the Oncologist’s behaviour to your case. As you said you will be off to Boston in hopes that someone special will fall into your realm and come up with the solution for beating the cancer away. I just lost a dear friend last week and the minister said something profound. We must all love one another for that is the one true thing that we can do for each other that nothing can be attacked upon. It is what we have left in the end, the hope, the love, the understanding that we will in the end be togther, returning in another life to start all over again. This right here and now is the infancy stage to our growth so with that said, you are an old soul that has been here before waging other battles to help those of us behind. Thank you Gemma for sharing all that you have because we really need you here to uplift us spirtually and take a page out of your book. Good luck in Boston. Keep us posted. Weezie

Posted on July 15, 2008 at 7:44:23 AM by weezie

I’ve been thinking (worrying) about you constantly since your post the other day. I’m glad to see your post today. I’m glad to hear you’re headed to another doctor. It is so hard to pick our feet up and keep moving, but sometimes that is all we can do. And, yes, you have so many people supporting you. I’ve said and read about how this all makes us family. So, I’m one of your internet cancer sisters! I’ll do whatever I can for you from across the country. Heck, the other day I was ready to hop a plane and come hug you in person. I agree with Weezie’s words. Love for each other is all we can give. XOXO

Posted on July 15, 2008 at 8:54:13 AM by littleprincess

I completely know what you mean when you say it would be easier and yet so much harder to go through this alone. My biggest concern is for the people who love me, more than for myself.

I’ve only read three or four of your blogs so far since I’m new here, but I want to tell you I think you’re strong and lovely and amazing, Gemma.

Stay wonderful. :-*

Posted on July 15, 2008 at 4:02:35 PM by taffsayswhat

You are an amazing young woman. Good luck in finding just the right oncologist in Boston that will support you as you deserve.
My love, thoughts and prayers will be with you each step of the way.
Hugs,
Joyce