MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
July 11, 2008
| Really... bad.. news | Views: 435 |
If I had time to write an entry when I came home from the trip. It would have been a happy one.
I have been in the hospital for a few days. Calcium level was high and magnesium was low. CAT scan today, the tumor isn’t shrinking but growing rapidly.
Chemotherapy is no longer an option for me…
It’s been failing apparently.
1. I have two options so far.
No chemo and only come to the hospital to maintain my “comfort” as the tumor grows and eventually…
2. Hope to God that I am able to be a research subject at the Stage 1 cancer center for treatments that have only been preformed on animals.
Needless to say, I’m stressed and really disappointed that my mother and friends have to deal with this idea.
I feel hopless completely and partially accepted the fact I will never be the mother I yearn so much to be, or even come close to engagement or a marriage.
“Keep your head up”
Well it’s looking pretty dark. I hope to see 21 so I can drink myself to death before this fucking piece of shit does.
I’m down, to the lowest low. I thought I deserved better than this.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Shit, shit, shit! Stupid fucking cancer…sorry about my potty-mouth…pissed off and very worried about you. You don’t deserve this, you deserve so much more, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this crap.
Are they planning more surgery? Hysterectomy? What can we do to find out more about this research treatment?
Gemma, email me directly so we can chat, huh?
taserrano@gmail.com
You’re not alone…believe in miracles.
Oh No! that is such crappy news. I have tears rolling down my checks. I am sending you lots of love girlfriend! any chance of another type of chemo? trying to think of other options for you.
Fuck. I hate this stupid cancer. Gemma, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this is happening to you… fuck fuck fuck. It just makes me so angry. If there is anything I can do please let me know. airing.out@gmail.com
Have you gotten a second opinion?
I’m so sorry.
It just broke my heart to read your post. You don’t deserve this. I am so very, very sorry.
Just try to hang in there and keep fighting this stupid cancer. I can only imagine how hard it is.
I am so sorry.
My friend,
I read your post last night and could not get past my tears far enough to send you a message.
I will be preaching in Bloomington in the morning and will ask for prayers for you. At times like this faith in Jesus is the only thing that brings me through, and I pray you have that faith.
Don’t give up on your dreams of being a mom! My mother left me in an orphanage at 2, my “moms” were all the wonderful, kind and loving women who took time to raise me.
All of the encouraging phrases seem so “Hallmark” and weak. Take time for yourself, cry, scream, pray and then decide the best path for you. You are a wonderful young woman and you have given far more than you may know. I look at my daughter through different eyes because of you and your strength.
My prayers keep you ever before the throne of God.
Hugz
Mac
Oh, Gemma! I’m in shock. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m here for you. Love and hugs!
After my potty mouth outburst, i had a thought. There are different kinds of chemo. Many different kinds. Perhaps another kind will work.
My sweet child, No need to say any thing it has all been said.
We are all part of your family. We love very much.
Love Sherri (Just one of your many Moms)
Gemma,
We are with you in thought and in prayer. I hope someone steps up at a cancer research center and says “We think we may have something that will work” I know the hardest part is feeling for the family and friends and seeing the pain in their eyes. In some ways I think it is harder for them.
If we can do anything for you, please let us know.
Donna
My dearest Gemma,, really sorry to hear a about your miserable plight,,, but know what please do not give up,,, no one is saying that it will be easy but never give up…
I thought that i would share something with you ,, my own personal miracle… if that is what you want to call it..
Anyway they diagnosed me with lung and lymp node cancer on Jan. 23, 2006,, and today is July 12, 2008. and the best way that i can some it up is by saying God is good.. I like many of cancer patients when hearting about this stupid deasease was very angry about it and my me… but one thing that i can say is that thought alot of prayer by people across the country I seem to give me more faith in God,, i always had faith but this truly increased it tremendously… and they i was fortunate enough that when i lifted up my head ( I saw a vision) yes a vision of our Lord
Jesus Chrlst on the cross saying to God the Father
“Father why have you abandoned me,,, but not my will but your will be done”.. That brought me to the realization that God can do everything and that at that moment i did’nt know what His will was for me,, and so i learned that i must also do the same,, and ACCEPT whatever was to come my way.
and so i said ” Father into your hands i lay my life and whatever your will be, then let it be done unto me… and from that point on i was able to turn it totally over to Him and i never worrried about it for 1 second,, ( my wife and my children did) but i was in such a state of peace that even if i wanted to tell you about it I don’t know if i could.. it is something that infills a person a removes whatever doubt there may have been… I still went through 37 radiation treatments and 7 chemo treatments.. yet i was able to to so with such a big smile on my face that people could actually see that there was something different in me…
Now this i believe can happen to you but you must seek God’s will for you and for your life..
I know that the only thing that i asked God for was for His grace to fill me and also for the strenght to accept whatever His will be for me .
We on this site will pray for you and pray yes for a healing but what is more important to me is for peace , strenght and grace to pull you through this dreadful desease….
So let us start praying right now
Jesus we come to you and lift up Gemma up to you for we know that you are the great physician and we also know that whatever we ask in Jesus name can be accomplished,, and so we lift up Gemma and put her in your hands, and as we know that sickness does not come from you then Lord we also ask that you take this sickness away, never to return.. we not only ask you for a healing but we ask that you make her better than before this cancer took over her.. and now because we believe that you can accomplish anything and everthing we now come to you in thankfullness for what you are about to do…. your will be done and so we come together and say thank you before you even do for we know that your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven….
Gemma ,, please believe with all your heart and soul for what you ask for but let there not be a doubt in you…
God bless you dear girl and may you see not only your 21 birthday but so many more after that, that not only your children but also your grandchildren will be even more precious to you
I was going to say good luck,, but instead put yourself in God’s graceful hands and trust..
Your very good friend whom you do not know but still you are my friend…. Ray
Dear Gemma; I have waited a few days to really read your thoughts and now see that many people have said just what I wanted to say but couldn’t. I don’t know much about God or his wishes, nor do I know anything about how Cancer prevades this earth and that the cures or remission aren’t some kind of joke put forth to ease our worries. You know it isn’t fair that you should be so young, bountiful in spirit, wishing for your own children and the white picket fence and all….and you should have it! Hopefully an inspiring Oncologist becomes your leading force, where an experimental choice is given and you feel you can do it. That path could lead you to many more years here with us. I say go for it, if you are willing and able. How could anyone be so downright moronic as to say that can’t do anything but treat the symptoms. How does he know that? Every person is different and responds differently to treatments. Isn’t that why they call it a trial? TRIAL. let’s think about that word… It has meaning in a courtroom and also in the medical field. So in a courtroom you are innocent until proven guilty. In a medical environment you are also innocent until the verdict is in. Keep on the road to hope and love as we are all in this great big world of Cancer as participants, audience, and warriors.
Love to you and hopefully Boston is your answer.
Weezie