gemmag's Cancer Blog

June 9, 2008

The idea of Karma

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I have recently struck up some conversation with a girl I use to go to high school with. We were never great awesome super best friends but friends never the less.

Soooo many young girls who just hit 20 or are 19 from the 2006 class at City Charter are pregnant or new mothers. This… infuriates me to no end. Why? Because I don’t feel they deserve it nor are they ready or know what they are going in to. Maybe it’s jealousy because there is a great chance that I cannot have my own children when I’m ready.

There is also that Zac factor. I know I’m 20 but I mean I’m getting older quicker then I ever was before time has been flying and soon I’ll be 25-26 and that means marriage; I hope. And it’s totally plausible that it’s going to be from Zachary even though I’ll be the one getting down on my knee lol… I better not be though! What are his thoughts? What if he wants to have his OWN children? That will be quite devastating :

This cancer is going to make it so hard to date if I ever have to. Well date for a long term relationship at least. I Don’t wanna! Zac don’t you leave me! lol

These girls were never my friends, I was nice to them and a lot of them were academic failures, but a few totally caught me off guard meaning my reaction was “I thought she was so much more intelligent than this.”

I know I shouldn’t judge but for facks sake what were you thinking? Why are you so overjoyed that your life is now going to take a drastic change for the worst in most cases? Don’t you realize you barely got to live and how are you going to support you and the baby since the father won’t be there?

/sigh

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Jenny: Don’t get me wrong it’s totally possible to live a fulfilling life after having a baby at a young age! But I doubt they’re headed in that direction. Meanwhile the girl we all knew wanted a family and babies gets fucking ovarian cancer. We were fucking shocked. Jimmy, Hilary, Julie and I definitely think about you, and Julie and I have talked and worried about you together as well as Jimmy, believe it or not. There’s a reason “bad things happen to good people” has such a ring to it. The nature of the beast, I guess? :/ I’m convinced your life will turn out fabulous and fulfilling. I’m just a dumb believer in karma and “everything happens for a reason”.

Me: Oh tell me about it. I figured karma works like “you do good, you get good” but I guess that’s totally out the fackin window ha.

I have been dealt such a shitty ass deck by God thus far with a few exceptions of my mother, Zac and friends. I am expecting to have a happy marriage with pretty Asian babies; being a house wife and only having a job because “I’m bored”. I want my white picket fence and disgustingly nice neighbors who have BBQs and love my potato salad.

Oh I also want an in ground pool and my mother to live till 95 if she doesn’t mind.

I’m going to be one pissed bitch if it doesn’t turn out that way, believe you me.

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On another young 20 year old angsty note.

I spent almost $400 on all new summer wear, it’s been a few summers since. And here was my non-matching outfit with my new goldfish shoes. I want more shoessss

Father’s day is coming up. I miss him, maybe I’ll go see his burial site, it’s not finished but… hm, maybe I won’t go. Why should I? No disrespect to him of course but the last thing I need is another reason to cry.

I’m rough around the edges tonight. I should warn those who cross me wrong with a disclaimer that “You will be rolled hard into the ground if you disagree with the slightest thing.” (Goes off to warn her sister Julia)