MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
June 4, 2008
| Miracles? Basically... | Views: 210 |
Basically, I don’t have the basics. What I mean by this, a solid faith. I’m wavering, I never was “I live totally for God” type of person. It’s the liberal in me I suppose.
When Zac arrived at his home earlier today, I was on the phone with him. He comes into the kitchen from the garage and you can usually find his parents somewhere in there. I heard his mother say “Maybe you can go down a day earlier” and I knew she was referring to our car ride to Miami. After he gets into her room; I ask him “What was that about?” he replies with the following information.
There is apparently this church somewhere in northern Florida that is having all these miracles being preformed at and she suggested taking me. Don’t get me wrong, I love his mother although her religious views are intimidating. I just don’t see this idea being beneficial. I feel I am not standing on the right level of faith, I’m not sure about this God thing. It changes from day to day. I’d like to have a solid faith but it’s not the right time to work on it I feel. I know ironic huh?
I told him “I’d rather not, I don’t like to be where the action is. I’ve seen these types of things on TV and it’s just not for me. It’d be a waste of our time; not to mention my oncologist will still continue the treatments which is the hard part of this whole thing.”
I just see it doing me no good. But because I’m so intimidated by his mother because I want to be accepted like Brad’s girlfriend (Brad is Zac’s younger brother) Laura was accepted like she was already her daughter and she is so bubbly, outgoing, not afriad to say anything. I am quiet, reserved, shy; the total opposite. I’m trying really hard to keep up a conversation but I fail every time. Maybe I should do it even though I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to pretend I live for God because I don’t. I barely live for myself. I’m living just to live at the moment and I want to live for me! No matter how selfish that sounds.
I miss feeling like me so terribly bad.
It hurt today when my sister Julia came home, I grabbed the last pop-tart and she got all snippy with me because it was the last one (I know I committed a crime someone shoot me!) “I eat those for breakfast every morning, you know… when I have to get up to go to school while you…” And then she stopped, I hope she felt bad.
Julia talks to my mom a lot and my mom relays all this stuff about her how she’s so afraid to lose me and she really does love me but I have yet to see that from her. She’s always so rude, so harsh, mean, and unwilling to listen. It’s a maturity thing but she’s really a mean person on the outside and such a bully. She doesn’t want to try to understand and literally goes (la la la la la when I’m trying to tell her something that has anything to deal with anything of importance). I envy her friend Megan and her little sister Taylor they are two years apart but best of friends. I’m okay, as long as she’s ignorant I’d rather not disclose my feelings to her.
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get some homework, get up at 5:30am again and go to work until 7:30 and come home to do 50 math problems, some research on something I could care less about and even try to draw with that stupid messy charcoal stick and hate my creation afterwards.
Because that’s how it turned out every time. I quit the expensive art major. I was forced to quit college :
It hits home everyday, that I’m almost forced to unhappily sit here and be so limited. My strength wavers, and I am afraid to take a job because what if I’m terribly sick, or so exhausted? I’d rather not start a job when I’d probably get fired if I happen to get hired in the first place.
Not much longer. I need to keep my head up.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
I hope I do not hurt you or make you angry with what I am planning to say because I really do care about you. You said “I’d like to have a solid faith in GOD but it’s not the right time to work on it I feel”. If this is not the right time to work on it, there will probably never be a right time. You need GOD ALL THE TIME BUT ESPECIALLY NOW DURING WHAT WILL PROBABLY BE THE WORST TIME OF YOUR LIFE. If you could just find enough faith to put your life totally into GOD’S HANDS then he could give you the needed strength to get through this. Everything that happens in life has a purpose or a reason but we may never know what that purpose or reason is.
I had a very, very special friend when I was growing up. She and her family lived across the road from me. I was only 2 months older than she was and we played together all the time. When we were 13 she had polio and was paralyzed from the waist down. She rode the school bus to school. The bus driver would stop the bus, pick her up, put her into a seat, fold the wheelchair and roll it to the back of the bus. She was the most amazing person I have ever know. Through all of this she was always happy and always smiling and was loved by everyone in our school. She even had boyfriends that came to see her and would talk to you and take her places. When we were 16 years old she died from complications of the polio. I cried and cried and cried and wanted to die myself. I asked GOD so many times why he took her and not me. I thought she was so much better a person than I was and I never really understood why she had to die. It is now 50 years later and I still do not understand why she had to die. Her Mother and Father never went to Sunday School and Church. Janet and her 2 brothers always went with my family. After she died her family started going to church and were saved and baptised. That was the only good thing that I saw that ever came from her death. For 50 years I have wondered WHY but I just have to believe that GOD knows what is best for our lives even when we don’t think so.
I will be praying for you and asking GOD to help you understand how much you need him at this time.
I don’t know you but I do love you and care about you, my friend. GOD BLESS YOU AND BE WITH YOU.
Hugs,
Joyce
Gemma what your missing is that you are a miracle. Even when we are scared or confused God doesn’t leave us, he will wait for us forever. You should go and visit Zak and be yourself, you can’t change who you are to please anyone. If you are uncomforatble with going to the “miracle” church then just kindly refrain. If God is going to work a miracle, he can do it anywhere. As I’ve grown older I realize there were so many things in my life that I did for someone other than me. It is okay to please others but only if you are comfortable with the situation. Be you, love you.
Blessings.
What angelwthwingz says is true. You are indeed a miracle and GOD can perform miracles anywhere. I have survived Cancer twice and I feel it is a miracle that I am still here after 14 years. I thank GOD everyday for giving me this extra time.
It was back in the mid 50’s when Janet had polio. There was a well known preacher named Oral Roberts who laid hands on and prayed for people to be healed. He didn’t do the healing….GOD did. Janet’s parents took her to him to be prayed for but she was not healed. I guess, because it was not meant to be and we had to accept that.
Just remember through all of this…GOD loves you and you are always very special to him.
Hugs,
Joyce
Oh, sugar, I totally hear ya! This is where I am with faith…
As I’ve mentioned before, it has been long time since I’ve prayed, but I’m starting to again. I’ve been scared to. I feel guilty. I know better, but it is still so hard for me to ask God for anything when I have not been faithful all of these years. Its not so much that I waver in my belief in God, but I don’t think I deserve love. Its been that way with all of my mortal relationships too! Yes, I need a shrink! But I’m coming around. You will find your own way-such is life! But don’t worry so much about the faith aspect. It will come. Despite my outburst the other day, it gives me great peace to have the small bit of faith I do.
As far as acceptance from Zac’s mom, don’t worry about that either. I know, easier said than done. In her own way, she’s trying to help you by recommending going to that church. Miracles happen all the time, and not just at church, though. Don’t go just to make her like you, she probably already does! Faith is very personal, and hopefully she understands that.
Sisters…can’t live with em, can’t live without em. From my vantage point, she’s scared of losing you but doesn’t know how to react around you. When you’re scared and angry you usually take it out on the ones you’re closest to. Billions of people don’t know how to properly express their emotions! That doesn’t excuse the behavior. I hope you two can find some common ground. What do yall talk about? Maybe toast her some pop tarts one morning and ask what she’s got planned for the day?
I hope I’m being helpful. I know sometimes I get irritated when people point things out to me. Its so easy when its not you.
OK, now pick your favorite topic, and I expect a 10 page report by Friday! Fully cited, annotated, whatever…I’m serious! =o)