MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
May 1, 2008
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I got tons of comments on my last post. Each one really was just a notch bumping me up the “I’m okay” meter in my dizzy little head.
Thank you, and I must say that Samantha’s comment really shifted my perspective. I am a young woman who thinks farrrr into the future. I like and hate to think of the IF. I can’t; correction. No one can take things such a chemotherapy in a big lump sum of 6 months. Even one full week is too overbearing. I do need to take it minutes at a time, that will ease up the stress factor by a lot. Probably will do wonders for my physical self.
Today wasn’t bad, my cold is going away fast enough. I just have that sexy whooping cough that makes me wish that it would tone my abs instead of make them an achy pile of wiggly muscle. (Mmmmm delish I know)
I sat in the tub which was wonderful. Never underestimate the idea of submerging yourself in gallons of warm water! But of course it gave me time to think.
I’m twenty, still think I’m 15. I think this whole cancer thing barged it’s big fat head into my life right when I was becoming an adult. Which in turn makes me consider myself still as a child because there are so many people to dote on me. I’m kind of… hmm. Worried is not the word. But you know, just “iffy” about the whole transition from child to adult if I haven’t come to it yet. I don’t feel I have, but I feel I have to sometime soon.
Wise.
That’s a word I hear a lot from people here. I guess I am and I have to confess if I were a pretty little bird I’d puff up with pride at that. But I’d also like to consider myself as a sometimes overly modest person soooo, we’ll leave it at that.
I am very in tune with things. Like my body, happenings, I’m an awesome person to come to with guessing games, I just feel things are right/wrong/out of place. I have always since I can remember hoped that I would grow up to be someone who would influence a mass of people for the better. I’d throw the whole teaching career away to become that person. It’s intimidating though, I am doubting myself in my abilities to do or learn how to do it.
I want to write a book, I know I’ve said this many times but where do I start? Cancer. If you don’t have it yourself it seems like such a small subject that can be summed up in a good two page double spaced paper. It’s so much more, it’s life. It’s sadly a way of living (be it a minute or 5 years) which includes EVERY single aspect you could ever touch on within that frame of time.
Two years for me. I was clean for 9 months in between but I knew deep down way before I said anything to anyone that it was back. I sense it while people around me said “You’re fine, don’t worry!”
Speaking of thing that I HATE HATE HATE to hear as a survivor “Things could be worse”. Granted I don’t throw myself a pity party 24/7 because yeah I know it could be worse but that phrase makes it sound so insignificant which makes me feel like a weakling like I could be stronger when I’m putting my all into it.
My mom said to me tonight “Gem, you’re in a boxing ring with a monster”. And I thought, yeah but the odds are in my favor and no one is cheering for that monster and they are all behind me on my side of the ring.
Thanks again for the comments, every one of them was read at least 5 times! It’s a booster and much appreciated.
With love and a the tinge of happiness she can spare
Gemma
10.07.08 - 
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Gemma – Glad you are doing better. Your writing is amazing. You describe things in such a unique way. Follow your dreams.
I fully understand being iffy about moving form childhood into adulthood!
I am still iffy about it. Actually I am pretty well convinced that adulthood is a suckers bet and I am sticking with being a kid…think it over
Hugs and good thoughts to you
Dear Gemma; Before I start. I love your name where did your parents come up with that beautiful sound, perhaps from Gone with the Wind or an obscure novel which I haven’t read. Everything is in a name – your name, your voice, your thoughts and so to yours. You better start writing or the world will be missing an important, influential young adult who has a lot to say, proudly and with such clarity too. Surely there are websites that you can go to find how to just write your story. You know anyone who reads your posts here would be willing to help you and encouage that you go ahead and make that leap. The challenge is to be honest and funny and darn right entertaining. You are all of that and more. Yes you are wise beyond your years but that is why you must stake a claim in the world now. Spring is here and there is no time like the present to get moving. What might the title be? Let’s see why don’t you start a post and ask for good titles for your book. That might start a whole new thread of conversation. I hope so. My title might sound like: How I blogged my way to CANCER SUCKS. To tell you the truth I don’t remember how I found this site at all. I scratch my head and wonder who touched my fingers to lead me here? Oh wise one out there, you must be leading us down these paths for I keep seeing new members wondering how they got here too. It’s like a snowball that becomes an igloo. Have you seen how many members there are here? Grant you a lot have gone away or just forgot they joined but for those of us who just have to stay tuned, isn’t life just sweet. I couldn’t live without my fix of reading how everyone is doing. Perhaps that sounds eerie but really it fills my heart with joy that so many of you are just damned smart, courageous and willing to share your inner feelings with complete strangers. There is so much I omit to my every day friends, but here the sky’s the limit. Thanks Gemma for your thoughtful words always aspire to the novelist that you can become. Weezie from Canada eh