MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
April 28, 2008
| Sorry, I'm alive | Views: 374 |
A lot has happened. But I haven’t been able nor had the desire to crawl towards the computer.
I’m sick, ugh. I mean, sleeping 19 hours a day sick and have no want to do anything else. Now I have a head cold. I’ve puked, had a nosebleed from hell, have these hideous headaches and have cried gallons upon gallons.
Let’s just say I’m depressed, I guess. I’m bummed out because well I was about to go to school and then this decided to pop back up. I would be in Alabama right now getting ready for classes to start. Closer to Zachary and being in nice weather closer to the beaches. :(
Speaking of Zachary, the week after my last post. He came to surprise visit me. I was looking not my best laying in my mothers room because she has a TV in there. And there was this man who was looming above me. I was so confused, I didn’t recognize him at first. And since I have been sleeping so much I just figured it was another dream. That week went so well, it made me feel normal, and safe. Like nothing has changed and I’ll be attending school and this cancer business was all a bad dream.
Then he left the following Sunday, it’s hard to leave him but when he leaves me /sigh. Hopefully I can visit him in June.
The next week, I think it was a Monday? I sneezed while sitting at the computer and got a nosebleed. I’ve always been prone to those so it was no big deal until maybe 10 minutes later it wasn’t letting up. We rushed to the ER and they threw a clamp on my nose drew some blood and my platelets were 37,000 when the normal is 150,000 and my blood pressure was through the roof. It was a little less than a fantastic combination. Eventually it clotted and we were able to go home around 4:30am.
Now today, hm. I have a head cold. I am seriously not digging this chemo. It wasn’t that bad last time. Granted they are three new drugs but I am feeling the effects right off the bat and if I have what, 9 more treatments then I’m pretty sure that if the cancer doesn’t kill me, this noxious combination of medicine will.
I really don’t want to do this anymore.
10.07.08 - 
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Hey Gemma,
I was wondering how you were doing! Hang in there, I swear it’ll be over sometime not too far away. You’re a real trooper you know. One treatment at a time, you’ll get there. There are a lot of us out here who look for your posts and always wonder how you’re doing. We’re routing for you! It may seem just like a comment posted on your blog, but I’m a real person sitting over here, and I think about you all the time. I know you can get through this. I know you’re stronger than you think. I know you’re going to go on and help other survivors with the knowledge you have gained.
Keep us posted please!
A BIG HUG,Tanya
I am so so very sorry for what you’re going through. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and make it all better. This cancer stuff is awful and NOT fair! AND especially when you’re so young. I have relatives that live in Pittsburgh..maybe they can come and visit you and help you..? My email is suew1234@gmail.com if you want to email me. I am praying very hard for you that things will get better real soon…((U)) Sue
Gemma, thanks for the update. Hopefully, the doctors will give you meds to keep your platelets under control.
I read this book called “Touching the Void” while I was on chemo. It was about this guy who fell while mountaineering. His climbing partner thought he was dead and cut his ropes. He fell further, but lived. He broke his leg in something like three places. He was miles away from camp, on ice and snow and climbing. He said that if he thought of the whole journey at once, he’d become overwhelmed. He’d get so overwhelmed he couldn’t move forward. So he decided not to think about the whole journey back to base camp. He set small goals for himself. He’d look at a rock fifteen yards away and see if he could get there in twenty minutes. When he’d get there, he’d find a new rock. It was always twenty minutes. He did this for three or four days until he made it back to base camp.
There is an important lesson there. Thinking about the entire situation is too overwhelming. But to think about what you can achieve in twenty minutes or small intervals is manageable.
I used that lesson with my chemo. If I can sit here for twenty minutes without puking, or without dieing or whatever… I’d only think twenty minutes ahead. If I tried to think of the next six months, I’d go insane.
Hang in there. We’re all pulling for you. You are strong.
Take care.
-Samantha
Gemma, You really are amazing! Thanks for the post!
Samantha, You too are a true gift to us, thank you for your words of wisdom! I have been thinking along these lines but this story about the mountaineer and his small goals is very powerful.
Gemma, I hope you are able to keep in touch with Zachary and it seems like your Momma is solid. Stay up Girl! We are rootin for ya!
Timothy
Dear Gemma; Thanks for your new report, even though it sounds just too overwhelming a task tht you are under. You have given us all a kind of strength in your story that you are probably not aware you are doing. How could such a young lady endure this and still manage to get to her computer and tell us of her progess – You have done that, showing that even when the chips are down you feel a responsibility to communicate with your friends here at Blog For A Cure. That shows us your courage, your desire to share your true feelings with our group of survivors. That is the key – SURVIVOR. Thanks so much for keeping us in your heart and we are certainly doing the same for you. I wish for you, a better 20 minutes on this new chemo that you are taking. God bless you Gemma. Weezie
Your strength is contagious…infectious and spreading like wildfire. You may never meet me, but you have shown me courage that I desperately needed.
Thank you
Mac
Gemma,
You are amazingly so wise beyond your young years. Unfortunately cancer has a way of speeding that up for some and making time stand still for others. I really like what Samantha talked about. I would like to read that book. It will soon be 14 years that I have been surviving leukemia. Determination can be contagious.
You are in my thoughts and Prayers,
Patty