MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
March 28, 2008
| Results pushed back? | Views: 291 |
They said they’d call me yesterday or today. I’ve held out for too long. I’m in such distress right now. I can’t stop crying.
Tuesday?! How can I wait that long when every time I look down at my stomach and see it lopsided! I’m so frustrated; I want to scream. It’s worrying me to no end. I feel they’ve let me wait too long. Pump me full of that poison that somehow saves lives!
It’s so hard to describe the hurt, and it’s so hard to step towards God when I’ve pulled away because I’m infuriated with him for watching this happen. It makes me wish I was a horrible person then I’d be alright with it because I feel I deserve it!
I’m tired, I know I’m being self centered because it’s only been 2 and a half years of me screwing with this piece of shit disease while others have had much longer but come on, give me a break Lord! Change the timing of things for me please. Let me grow old and then throw it at me. Don’t keep making me miss out on my dreams… Why would you make Zachary have to deal with this? My mother, and my sister? My friends and everyone else who’s backing me in this?
I feel it’s putting a strain on my relationship with Zachary because I cannot see him. I wish he would take off work for me and visit just for a weekend. It hurts me that I’ve become an inconvenience to him. I don’t blame him if he wants to escape; I just wish I could go with him.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
Hey Gemma…On my way to work, just wanted to send you a quick note. Uggh, I remember the lop-sided belly…
Just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts, and I can remember the angst of waiting for test results. It’s pure torture. Just remember there’s nothing you can do or think that can change what they are! Have a cup of tea, let the sun shine on your face, and take a few deep breaths. This too shall pass.
Wow!
You are in a heck of a position.
You are also an excellent communicator.
I like reading your posts and I hope it helps a little with the pain and anxiety to get it out in writing. Nothing can really touch that crap when we are in the middle of the intensity of a moment like that, but it appears that you have faith, so that helps.
A cup of tea is a great suggestion. I keep trying to remind myself to breathe. I haven’t been taking deep breaths recently and it has gotten me really tense and uptight.
Take care, I will be thinking good thoughts of you today.
Peace,
Timothy
Gemma,
Hang in there! I hate dealing with doctors. They never have anything good to tell you. My best advice is bad news comes quickly and good news comes slowly. It took 2 weeks for me to get pathology results after my mastectomy. The result was a clear report. It is difficult to go through tests and wait for results. You are in my prayers. Also, remember that you must manage your own healthcare. Call the doctors office. I know you are young and it is very intimidating to deal with doctors and nurses. My husband who is 50 has a hard time asking questions or demanding more from doctors and nurses. You are the patient. Remember that cancer is big business for doctors and hospitals and you have the right to call and ask questions.
Melissa
Gemma,
Your post really touched me. You really do communicate well and seem to be able to do just that with your DOCS, though I have Leukemia, it’s difficult to relate to your type of cancer, but it’s all the same just different symptoms. I am right there with you. You will be in my thoughts and prayer, I hope the very best for you. You are very mature and clear about your diagnosis, which if I were your age, I’m not sure I would be. Good Luck to you, Patty