MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
March 21, 2008
| I'm confused | Views: 287 |
I’m oddly calm; I’m not sure if I’ve accepted the fact that my hair will poof off my head, or if I’m in denail just hoping it to not be anything that will put a stop to my happiness.
People keep telling me to keep my head up. Granted I am one of those people. But the only thing that I can think of that makes me happy is Zachary. (Yes we’re still dating) and then I think of him it makes me smile but almost immediately afterwards I get sad. Why? Well you see, I got accepted to a university down in Alabama where Zac lives. I wanted to try again at this college thing since Cancer knocked me off my feet the first time. Needless to say my mother in extremely uncomfortable with me going down there if I have to have chemotherapy as well. So, if it’s cancer I can’t continue my education past high school for another year and I probably won’t be able to see Zac any more often.
I try to talk to him but I feel this pang of immense guilt every time. Because it’s me choking back tears talking about how sucky it is. He’s strong for me and I know this makes him just as sad if not more so that this is happening again.
I’m 20, I was JUST about to hit my two year survivor mark and the Lord has thrown yet another trail for me to overcome. My life goals are, to be a mother of even just one of my own; although adoption is something I would embrace. And the second and last one is to die when I’m 80+ from a natural death. I will not let this take me.
On my way home I was thinking. “Wow, I have taken such good care of my body.” That produced the thought. “I can’t wait to get plastered when I’m 21” I never had a drink of alcohol because it all smells like poison. When I was little there were exceptions, we all had kool-aid then and sometimes I’d come in from running around and gulp down a few chugs of wine by accident. It was either wine or watercolor paint water; I rarely got lucky with that scenario. I never smoked, never did drugs or pot. AND still somehow my body found a way to betray me. It’s a bit upsetting.
I do have a question though. On the 25th which is next Tuesday. I’m getting a needle biopsy done and even though it shouldn’t shake me but the idea of a needle going into my side is not-so-cool-in-my-book. Do they numb the area? Better yet do they give you a blindfold and a teddy to hug? Ehhh….. boo.
As always, thank you when it comes to comments in my past entry it helped this big ol’ head look at least straight ahead instead of at the ground.
New Soul – Yael Naim
I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake
See I’m a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make
This is a happy end
Cause you don’t understand
Everything you have done
Why’s everything so wrong
This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I’ll take you far away.
10.07.08 - 
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
you are wise beyond your years, and i’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this.
go live, love and learn! the best thing i’ve heard about dealing with cancer is ‘don’t let cancer live you, but rather learn to live with cancer’. yes, easy for me to say (i don’t have cancer, but my wife is in stage IV) and it has altered our lives totally, and we are finally beginning to realize this mantra. keep posting, and keep living, you are NOT alone!
Hi’ya kid,
My oldest boy is just a breath shy of 20 so I am old enough to call you kid.
Lets be straight…head up or down cancer blows!
Good attitude or not sometimes it takes a good cry.
I am praying for you! If God brings you to “it” He will bring you through “it”. That being said I know how scary waiting is. I think waiting is worse than knowing, the imagination is a brutal thing.
As for your hair, its no little thing, but I will tell you that there is NOTHING prettier or cuter than a girl with no shame or embarrassment who is fighting to beat something a lot of people run and hide from. Someone here got a dragon tattoo on her head. Looks awesome!
I hope you get a shot at college and if Zac is worth a hoot he will be right there for you, wherever “there” is.
Keep the faith, know you are loved, even by strangers…lol
and don’t sweat the needle, I am getting covered in tats, needles are your friend.
papamac
Hi,
I was reading your entries and I realized just how brave you are. I know this is the last place you want to be. Have you read Kriss Carr’s book,”Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips”, it’s Great. Also, The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. My daughter is 21, though cancer has no boundaries on age, it does make me very sad to see someone as young as you going through this.Cancer is difficult enough but when you lose your hair, yeah, it’s a little slap in the face, but go our and get you a cute wig, or if that doesn’t interest you wear some cute hats. You’ll be in my prayers.HUGS, Patty
Hi Gemma
What a brilliant example you are to others. Writing it all down is a wise and brave thing to do. As the previous writer said you are not alone.
A tip I learned from my hairless days. No-one knew that I had cancer or no hair. They just thought I was a crazy eccentric. Buy a variety of skull caps and long scarves to wrap around the skull caps. As well as heavy eye make up (the loss of eyebrows/lashes can be worse than the head hair) buy some huge dangling earrings. You may look like a glamorous fortune teller, but sometimes it’s easier to handle the strange looks rather than embarrassed sympathy.
Just keep thinking that this may delay your education by a few months or one year, but that’s nothing. Getting back on top is number one and if your boy cares he will be right there for you.
It sounds corny, but having no hair isn’t going to change the beautiful person on the inside. Any one worth their salt will be right beside you. So chin up Gemma and let those close to you take over for a while and show you just how much they love you.
Janie x