gemmag's Cancer Blog

May 30, 2007

Last post for quite a bit

Views: 375

A follow up check up – Complete

CAT scan looks good, nothing at all showed up :D /dance I feel a sense of relief to a certain point. My period it stopped two months ago and my doctor brought up the point that some women didn’t get theirs back. Me being young, I don’t think I’m at much of a risk but still it’s something to worry about. He’s putting me on birth control because I’ve been moody and having the worst night sweats and hot flashes I never thought were possible. I’m… iffy about going on birth control just because I’ve always been “No never, I don’t like what that stuff does to you.” It’s unnatural, but then again it is a dosage of hormones and if I can sleep better with it maybe I’ll consider such things.

Yesterday was a crappy day, emotional as all hell. The last thought on my mind and the fist one when I wake up is of Zac. I got up cried. Came down stairs and saw Julia (my sister) with her boyfriend and clenched my jaw so hard I thought my teeth were going to shatter. They saw how bumbed I was and asked if I wanted to go see Pirates 3 with them but I wasn’t up to it surprisingly. I regret not going, I’m probably going to have to wait till it comes out on DvD. I’m just really sick and tired of waiting it’s been almost 7 months and it just sucks. I really hope he figures things out soon so I can go visit him. I wasn’t in such a rush last month just because I was insecure about the whole =his calf having more hair then my whole body= deal. I just want to see him… /sigh

News on my father. He’s… not drinking…or gambling… not turning furnitrue, yelling at the cats or my mother. We aren’t sure what’s “wrong” with him but one day he woke up and didn’t know where he was, or what he wanted to do. He doesn’t know how to say a lot of things, like to describe an object, he slurs his words, and is very unsteady when it comes to walking. He cares about me, and how everything is going. I saw him smile when I told him “every thing’s clear”. It’s like my life flipped totally upside down since this all ended.

And yet, I’m sad. Because being his daughter wasn’t a chore, he was someone I feared and didn’t want to come home to on the weekends. Now that he’s had a…stroke? Or something I’m extremely sympathetic, he can’t see well so I help him a lot. And since he has chronic liver disease, his legs are going bad along with quite possibly his brain. I don’t want to grow to love him right now, at the end of his life. Horrible thing to say, I mean he could live to walk me down the isle. But I don’t know, I’m afraid.

God must trust in me that I am a strong person. He’s dished my family and I a lot of shit. And in a way. I appreciate it.