gemmag's Cancer Blog

February 27, 2007

Oh the loss of femininity. Views: 339

This morning, I woke up after having a dream of just me, in a girls bathroom fixing my hair. When I opened my eyes. I thought “I wonder what I’m going to do with my hair today.” then realized that I barely have enough to even call it hair anymore. It’s just fuzz, slowly falling out every time I touch my head.

Ugh… I’ve always been humble, and self esteem wise. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s been on the low side but it never got in the way of me doing anything.

“It’s not a big deal” said my friend Steve when I was biting my lips trying not to burst into tears when it started to fall out. It made me want to yell “Yes it is! It is to me!” but I think it hurt the most because he didn’t understand or even really try to. It isn’t his fault, it’s different. Hair I think is a part of being a female, a big part and it can be something that makes her beautiful. I’m not saying I think I look gawd awful, I just don’t feel pretty. I need to FEEL it.

It’s just a crap package. I lost 20-30 pounds and my body, it’s beautiful even with the scars. I never thought I’d get these perfect curves, not fat but not thin. Just padded enough to silently portray a “hug me” vibe.

-sigh- My hair can’t grow back fast enough. I’m ready to take it on. :p

Posted on February 27, 2007 at 3:30:45 PM by Gemma ( Link to this post.

Oh the loss of femininity., Post a comment.

4 comments)

hair loss is really really really hard. Not only is it hard, but it hurts… people don’t realize. It was one of the hardest parts of cancer. Let yourself grieve. Please know you are beautiful.

Posted on February 28, 2007 at 9:16:24 AM by slockwooclimbs

Gemma,

You are soooo right! Even as understanding as my family is…it’s part of being a female. I was horrified when I lost all of my hair…but even more so when I lost my eyebrows and long eyelashes! OMG! I am NO artist…and drawing an eyebrow was a long process for me daily. I really do sympathize with you…HONEST! The second worst part was losing all of my body hair…but that shortly changed when I realized that I wasn’t going to have to shave my legs or underarms for a while…(I always hated having to do that…as my hair grows really fast.

You might try to find a brimmed straw hat…(I did that)...and wore it more often than a I did a baseball hat, or scarf…or bandana. Baseball hats weren’t something that I could really wear to work…or in a dress. Although I did wear a bandana under the hat…as I have a really small head.

Lots of protection from the cold it does give.

If you will give me your address…I can forward on to you a couple of stretchy cotton caps that are great for sleeping in, that keep your head warm at night…and you wouldn’t be out any money.

My gift to you.

You are really brave, and I just had to tell you that. I have daughters that are 20, and 21 amost 22. The one that is 20 is getting married next weekend…and I wanted to show them this site…I would like for them to see all the folks that I know here…and that Ovarian cancer can strike at ANY age….young or old…:) (like me…NOT) Still living the good life…even if it does stink at times….

I too still have my ups and down…and more downs that ups at the present…but not for much longer.

By the way…Love the BRACELET! National Ovarian Cancer Commission….
It whispers…so listen!

Much love,

Kleigh

Posted on February 28, 2007 at 7:53:29 PM by kleigh

Oh Gemma…I just got back from mexico and my husband said I better hurry up and check your blog! (he keeps up on what’s happening with you…thinks your a pretty cool chick…) Anyway, I wish I could be there to give you a hug, be your sister for a while, and tell you it’s all going to be alright. I guess I’m lucky that I didn’t have too much of a problem with my hair falling out, but I now have dreams all the time that I have hair again and I wake up sad. But…there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it comes in the form of fuzzy-kitten-head. I’m looking a little gi jane these days, but my hair is surely coming back, and it will for you as well. Hang in there honey…this too will pass. Go get some fun temporary tattoos and plaster them all over your head just because you can! (I had 3 hummingbirds on mine for my 3rd chemo treatment and the nurses really didn’t know what to make of it, or me for that matter…)

I wish I could magically make this all go away for you..to make you realize that you are still a beautiful woman with or without hair. We are all thinking about you over here (my husband, my mother, and all of our friends who follow), and we’re here for you.

Posted on March 1, 2007 at 6:43:04 PM by tanya

Gemma – Look in the mirror! You have a classic face. Lips, nose, eyes, cheekbones. You would look feminine regardless. You don’t even have to work at it! Plus, remember, your hair will come back and be great!
Hugs!
Karen