MissisTook
gemmag's Cancer Blog
February 6, 2007
| I'm strong enough | Views: 195 |
God only gives you what you can handle.
My father is a diabetic, drinker, gambler and smoker. My family isn’t poor but we sure as hell aren’t wealthy enough for his habits. He was in the hospital the same time as I was in December. One more drink the doctors said and his liver could fail and go into a coma. He’s been drinking, took some birthday cake and his insulin up to his room. How ironic. I love him, but I’m indifferent about his death. And just that sentence makes me feel as if I’m a bad person. I can’t remember him ever showing much love. He avoided me the other night when I was in the kitchen crying because my hair was falling out. It hurt, I heard him sit down on the stairs and waited till I moved out of the room so he could grab another beer. He’s been having back pain, which is a sign of liver failure, and takes constant showers leaving my mother, sister and I hardly any hot water in the morning.
You’d think, after finding out his daughter had cancer that he’d straighten out and help either her or her mother. It’s hard, he’s due to not exist before the year ends I’m sure.
I tried to talk to him tonight but all he could say over my voice “Your mother is so righteous, she’s poisoned you” and it hurts.
If this all was taking place 5 years ago, I’d have to wish that no one could’ve figured out what was wrong with me a few months ago. But I value my life more then I ever will. I have a boy friend in AL (awe so far away) who I’m so in love with and he treats me as if I were a princess. I just think of him when things are going down the hole and his call after classes couldn’t make me any more of a happier young woman for the rest of that day. I’m still looking up, hoping God will deal me a better hand when I’m older.
Thank you ladies for the hat idea. I never thought myself as a hat person but there has to be at least one out there that is fuzzy and warm and doesn’t look too odd on me.
Carmen 
Michael Cox 
crystalala 
Thanks for your support -
gemma – you have a great writing style. i hope you continue to journal about, not only your struggles with cancer, but with life. hope you have a nice night and glad you have a cute boy that makes you smile. ;-)
wow. That must be very hard on you and your mom. Please take care of yourself and each other. Also, know that everyone deals in different ways… and sometimes no matter what you tell someone you need, they cannot clean themselves up enough to give it to you. It does hurt and it sucks. I’m so sorry but you are strong. You are stronger than you think.
gemma you are a good person you are not responsible for your father when i had my cancer
my father was dying too but he was a great father
but i could not share with him he saw my mother
go through with the cancer he was not supportive
for her. he worked hard but could give the emotional support. you must get the support from
others and take care of yourself.the hair is a
bummer get some scarves in pretty colors they are
cool and inexpensive treat yourself to little things for yourself perfume a nice bubble bath
in the afternoon do for yourself god loves you
remember the acholic is a disease they never realize it effects everyone around them they are
the most selfish people they may wake up they
may not they are killing themselves that is not
yours to take on i know that dont look there for
any approval or help love yourself i love you
mary anne
Gemma, you are stronger than you think. I’m angry to hear about your dad…like others have said, alcoholism is ugly, and it takes over. You are so much older than your age…I think you’re going to go far in life after this is all over.
Sounds like you already have a good support group…keep adding more! (willing people over here!) Whatever you need, as much as any of us can do across the distances, you let us know!
Gemma, I am so sorry you have this added burden. As others have said, you are NOT a bad person! You are a fantastic person – with beautiful brown eyes and a great smile, (I’m surprised a magazine hasn’t asked to put you on their cover.).
I too had a father who couldn’t show love. You’ll get through this, and when you are a parent, (whether by adoption or whatever), you will be able to love your kids so much better because of what you’ve experienced in your life.
Please don’t forget that Jesus loves you most of all. Ask Him to show Himself to you in some way.
I am praying Isaiah 46:4, John 15:9 for you: Dear Lord, Gemma is going through so much. Too much for someone her age. I ask that You carry her. I ask that You wrap Gemma in Your love. Help her to feel the love of her Heavenly Father.
Keep writing and telling us what you’re feeling!You are doing great!
Hugs!
Karen Beck